Title: It's not a Crush, it's an Obsession
Rating: Two Snapes. One for atrocious grammar, and another for cliche plot and general Emo/Yawn-inducing-ness. Rating may go up with later chapters.
Characters: Harry and Hermione (with random dead characters FTW!)
Annoying Traits: IT MUST BE EMO. And Hermione has the Beer to End All Beers.
Sporker's Comments: This is only the first chapter, and I guarantee yall I've read worse. BUT, the spelling and grammar (moreso spelling than grammar, though) is atrocious and I can smell the bad plotline from a mile away. And, you can't tell, but BRICK OF TEXT, OH MY.
The sporking opens in a destitute theatre, where the 'fic is laying on the projector. Harry, Hermione, and Ron nervously enter, looking about as a tumbleweed rolls down the aisle. Harry trips over an old hot dog from presumably the fifties and bumps into Ron, whose shoulder flicks the 'ON' switch on the projector. A whirring sound is heard, and the 'fic appears on the screen.
Ron: *stares at screen* Oh, bloody hell.
Hermione: Ron! *sits in the first row between the two boys and whips out some popcorn and soda* *notices Harry and Ron looking longingly at her food* What? I told you two to bring food! I even wrote it in those planners I gave you for Christmas!
Ron and Harry: *innocently whistle*
Hermione: *rolls eyes* Honestly. You two gits will never learn.
It's not a Crush, it's an Obsession
Hermione: *twitches* Semi-colon.
Chapter One Bad News Drinker
Hermione looked around for someone to be alive, still.
Harry: Hey, Hermione. You see dead people.
She rushed at the body of her dead boyfriend.
Hermione: Aaaaaaaand survey says the boyfriend THIS TIME will be...
Hermione: Ron, for the win, ladies and gentlemen! *looks at Ron* Why're you blushing?
wake up, please, don't be dead, Ron, no, I love you, I never told you that, but I love you!!!!
Harry: Exclamation, exclamation, exclamation!!!!!!!
Ron: Merlin, this is embarrassing.
Hermione: Oh, Ronald, it's just badfic.
Ron: I know, but... but! *becomes flustered*
Please, please, wake up," she pleaded with the lifeless form of Ron Weasley.
Hermione: *slaps Ron across the cheek*
Ron: Ow, 'Mione! What was that for?!
Hermione: I was proving to my 'fic persona that there are more effective ways to wake a person up. I read about it.
Ron: *cradles cheek* It's called being gentle!
Harry: *snickers* Pansy.
She shouted his name for what seemed like hours, but in fact was only ten minuets.
Hermione: Ah, time, you fickle thing, you.
"Hermione, it's useless. He's gone, they all are. We're the only one's left. C'mon, let's go somewhere else. Anywhere is better than here."
Harry: I can think of a few places worse than there.
Hermione: Like what?
Harry: The Riddle Manor ringing any bells? How about a certain graveyard? Orrrrrr the Department of Mysteries? Or --
Ron: We get the sodding picture, mate. Can we get this on with so it can end?
"No, Harry!!!! I can't leave him. I WON'T leave him."
Hermione: This isn't one of those stories where I'm madly in love with Ron, and then he dies, leaving only me and Harry, and then in my sodden state with the Emo Tears and what-have-you, I fall in love with Harry, is it?
Ron: *blanches* Merlin, I hope not.
Harry: *shrugs* It could be worse.
Harry: You could be pregnant with Snape's baby, but lying and telling Ron it's his, then Ron dies, and you fall for me, and then I support the kid who turns out to be a Death Eater Mini Me and I end up killing the child I fathered as a favor to my dead best friend that you cheated on.
Ron: *sputters* That's just not cool, mate!
"Alright, Hermione, we'll bring his body back with us. We can tell the ministry where the others are."
"Harry!!! Oh my word, all of our friends, except Fred and George, are dead. Ginny, Seamus, Neville, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, everyone. Where will I go now? Ron was going to let me move in, once this was all over, now it's useless. My mum and dad are gone, I can't go back to their place, it's already been sold, again. Oh my GOSH,
Hermione: Harry, I apologize for borrowing your CAPS LOCK OF RAGE.
I'm homeless. Harry, I have no where to go, nowhere to turn, what am I going to do? Harry, I can't breathe," she collapsed on the ground from weakness.
Hermione: Okay, I can do grief, but I'm the LEVEL-HEADED one for a reason, you know.
Ron: You sayin' me and Harry aren't level-headed?
Hermione: Well... pretty much, yeah.
"Hermione, it's ok, it'll be alright. If it makes you feel any better, I am in the same postion you are."
Harry: Actually, I think I've got it just a bit worse here.
Harry: BECAUSE EVERYONE I LOVE DIES. *grumbles*
Ron and Hermione: *scoot further away*
"Make me feel better?!?!?! How is THAT sopposed to make me feel better?!?!?!" she managed to get out in between shaky breaths.
Hermione: You know, I never did understand that phrase "Misery loves company." I mean, if you're already feeling downright horrible, then why would your best friend's misfortunes make you feel better? Honestly, it would probably make you feel worse, knowing that you can't solve their problems PLUS yours, which would subconsciously make you a "bad friend."
Ron: You've gave this a lot of thought, haven't you?
"Hermione, in, out. Breathe, Hermione. You have to breathe, you're going to make yourself pass out. I can't carry you and Ron back to where ever we're going.
Hermione Jane Granger bolted awake, and found herself standing in the middle of the shrieking shack. She got up, unsteadily.
Hermione: Is that supposed to be a scene transition? Hey, Colin! Will you scroll back up, please?
*Colin does so from the projection booth*
Hermione: Well, we don't know if this was a scene transition or not. For all we know, we could've been in the Shrieking Shack the entire time. *deadpans* This is positively idiotic.
Normally, Hermione wasn't one to approve of drinking, but this was a different situation, and if anyone had a problem with it, they could get lost, or better yet, go jump off the ifle tower in Paris.
All: ... AHAHAHAHHAAHHA!
Hermione: "Ifle"? Merlin, that's great!
Hermione had apparated out of that horrid place where the ground was drenched in blood and tears.
Harry: Okay, so we were somewhere outside. That really clarifies everything.
Ron: Sarcasm is not your forte, mate.
Harry: And lying isn't yours, Ron.
Hermione: Oh, burn!
The screams still very fresh in her mind. She could see the look of blankness in the faces of all her friends and loved ones. Her fiance. After all, this had all occured just hours before. She went to the only place she could think of that no one would find her, the Shreiking Shack, Now, she went outside, and into the unknowing community, Diagon Alley.
Harry: You know, for all the people we lost, I'm wanting to know how many Death Eaters we slaughtered going down.
'Stupid happy people, you disgust me, ALL of you. Why can't you all just read my mind and feel as crummy as I do? I hate cheerfulness. What right have you to be happy, when I'm so NOT happy.'
Hermione: I shed a single, emo tear for 'fic!me's plight.
she thought, angrily as she turned into the Three Broomsticks. She picked a table at the front, by te windows and asked for the strongest since of alcohol they had, and that's exactly what she got. After just one glass of the drink, she was so drunk she couldn't tell which way it was to the outside.
Ron: Bloody hell, that must be good stuff!
Hermione: Ronald Weasley!
Ron: Not that I would... know anything... about... alcohol.
Ron: Shut it!
"OY!!! Fred, look who it is."
Hermione: I thought they died?
Harry: Do I smell cliche plot device?
"Hey, Hermione, wow!!! What have you been drinking? You look terrible, and theres only one glass here."
"Oh, I bet she got that new stuff that Madam Rosemerta got in just the other day."
"That would explain the look of total confusion on her face."
Hermione: If the stuff were that strong, I'd probably be passed out by now. Dimwits.
"Aye, that it would. Hello, earth to Hermione!!! Anybody home."
Harry: The question mark isn't.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?! Who are you?"
"Hermione, it's us, Fred and George."
"Seriously! Who are you. Everyone I know's dead!!!!!"
Harry: Told you you see dead people.
"Fred, my brother, I think she's had a LITTLE too much of this stuff. Time to go home."
"Good idea, George. C'mon, 'Mione, time to go home."
"I like home, but I have no home. You wanna no why? Because my fiance was killed, that's why. I was supposed to move in with him, but NOOOO, he had to go and get himself BLOWN UP!!!!!!"
Ron: But if I were blown up, how would you two have taken my body back?
Harry: Well, 'fic!me did say that I couldn't carry both you and Hermione. Maybe that was because my arms were full with carrying your bits.
Hermione: And the Harry/Ron shippers rejoiced with that sentence.
"Hermione, you have a home, and right now, it's waiting for you at our place."
"Really? Whatever, if you say so."
Hermione: *appalled* Don't do that again.
"Well, we do, so get your booty in gear, and let's get you home."
Fred and George carried her home, since she passed out after five minuets. "Wow, that stuff really is strong," George commented on the way, "I mean, she only had ONE glass. Usually I have to have about three glasses of firewhiskey before I'm THIS bad. Well, one good thing, she'll be out cold the remainder of the evening."
"Don't you understand, George. She said everyone she knows is dead. We know Harry's alive, because we saw him thrity minuets
Hermione: That misspelling is really getting on my nerves.
ago, looking for Hermione, actually. But, everyone else, Ron, our brother, sister, parents, they might very well all be dead."
"I was trying not to think on it."
"Maybe we better talk to Harry."
After getting Hermione in Fred's bed, they went to write Harry a letter. An hour later, they got a reply.
Ron: Quick owls.
Dear Fred and George,
I can't talk to you at the moment, but when if you find Hermione, tell her I'm sorry about Ron. He was like a brother to me. I'm sorry to you to, about Ron and your parents. I will come to your flat as soon as possible. I'll try to kepp in touch.
Harry: I sound like I don't give a shit at all. It's like I'm just putting some words to maintain sincerity. Merlin, that bites all. My best friend dies, my ex-girlfriend dies, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, who were LIKE PARENTS TO ME dies, and I apparently don't care.
Hermione: You didn't even mention Ginny in the letter. Are you feeling all right?
p.s.-- give Hermione a hug for me. And tell her Ron knew she loved him.
Harry: That's a little better, but not good enough.
Ron: Thank God! It's over! All this mushy love stuff... *makes face*
Harry: Oh, come off it, Ron. You're acting like we're all in first year.
Ron: Yeah, but!
Hermione: We still have more chapters, boys...
For part two, the rating is bumped up to three Snapes! Just saying.
Harry: Heyyyy, this isn't a new chapter. Is this still chapter bloody one?
Ron: Ahahahaha, the sporker's more oblivious than I am!
Harry: Way to go breaking the fourth wall, Ron.
Hermione: That's... pretty oblivious. Wow.
Ron: Hey! Are you trying to say I'm really oblivious?
Hermione: Well... pretty much, yeah.
Harry: That joke wasn't even all that funny the first time, guys. Let's just get this thing started.
*everyone hears the chorus of "Let's Get It Started" by the Black Eyed Peas drift through*
Harry: DON'T MAKE ME HEX YOU, COLIN!
Hermione had been in her room for two weeks, straight. She came out twice a day for food and restroom. The few times she had came out, her face was tear-stained, red, and puffy.
Hermione: If I only came out twice a day, that wouldn't be a "few" times a day. That'd be two. I know my terminology.
Harry: You've been crying for two weeks straight over Ron?
Ron: Some hidden, demented part of me enjoys that fact.
Fred and George tried many times to get her out, but to no avail. She'd open the door and tell them to leave her alone, then slam the door in their face. Many times, they had tried to get in, but wound up being cursed into never-neverland.
Hermione: Where they never-never heard of capitalization?
She would scream that they didn't understand, and hex them again and again.
Hermione: Oh, my head.
Ron: You all right, 'Mione?
Hermione: I've got a characterization-ache.
Harry: But Ron was their brother. They lost a brother, a sister, and parents two weeks ago. Plus, we don't even know about Charlie, Bill, or Percy. If nobody else does, I do think THEY would understand.
Hermione: And I would never hex Fred and George!
Hermione: Okay... maybe I would. But not for this reason!
Finally, on Monday of the second week, they gave up all hope that she would ever come out.
Today, however, when she came out, she looked like she had tried to straighten her hair and wipe off her tears. "Well, look what poked it's head out of it's hole."
Hermione: Hmm. Of all the things I could worry about, whether or not my hair is straight would not be top on the list of priorities.
"Hello, how are you two this morning?"
The brothers gave each other confused looks, "uh, Hermione, are you feeling ok?"
Harry: uh, guys, is your grammar feeling ok?
"What on earth do you mean? Have you done somthing to me when I was looking?"
Hermione: Wouldn't I know if they had, then?
"No, you're free of all our jokes. Anyways, now that your out,
Hermione: My out what?
what do you plan to do day?"
Ron: Oh, well, the first time I read that, I thought it said "when do you plan to do day?" *snickers more*
Hermione: Ron! *rolls eyes* Honestly!
"What ever do you mean? I'm getting married today. I figured I'd go by the bookstore, first, then go see Ron. Speaking of which, you two are coming to the wedding aren't you? Please be sure to wear somthing nice. Although, it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride on the wedding day, isn't it? Ok, so I'm not going to see Ron, yet."
Ron: I thought I went ka-plooey in the last post?
Harry: Oh, you did.
Ron: ... Okay, just checking.
"Hermione, do you know why you're here."
Harry: *as Hermione* Of course! I'm here for my annual tax audit!
Ron: *as Hermione* Of course! I'm buying a flobberworm farm, and I wanted your opinions!
Hermione: I... thought I was getting married to the dead guy?
Ron: Way to ruin the joke, Hermione.
"Uh, yeah, because I can't see Ron on our wedding day. OH!!! Do you want to see my dress, it's beautiful. Ron hasn't even seen it yet."
Ron: Because... I'm... dead?
By the looks the twins exchanged, they both knew that he never would see it on her, "right, of course, Hermione, he can't see you. We'd love to see the dress."
Harry: Humor me, Hermione.
Harry: If you've barely left your room, how'd you purchase a dress? Especially when you've been... crying... constantly... for the past two weeks?
"Really?!?!?! Wow, ok, I'll go put it on."
Hermione: LIEK OMG WOW!122``!!#@!!!
"George, what are you doing? Ron's dead, that's not why she's here, and you know it."
"I know that, but she thinks she's getting married still. She's bloody dilusional."
"Can one of you come help me? I need the zipper zipped." Hermione shouted from her room.
Hermione: If this turns into Kinky Threesome Time, I'm leaving.
"Coming. I'll go, you'll blurt everything out," George said.
"Ah, thank you, George."
"Welcome," George said, coming out, waving his hand in front of his face and mouthing, 'hot'.
Harry: This does not bode well...
Hermione walked out in a floor length, trailing, white, shiny dress that look like it should have belonged to a princess.
Hermione suddenly jumped , declaring that she had togo,
Hermione: I've got togo? Is it bad?
Ron: Yes, Hermione. Dreadful. You will die in seven days.
Hermione: Well... damn.
Harry and Ron: Hermione!
or else she'd be late for her own wedding. While that coould be funny, she didn't expect it to go over too well with the crowd. She had Fred drive her to the church, with George sitting in the back.
Hermione: This is getting utterly ridiculous! *throws hands in air* I mean, honestly, why are they humoring me like this? And what crowd? EVERYONE DIED!
*Harry and Ron shift away from her*
Snipping boring conversation. Blah blah blah.
Hermione: "Hermy"? Oh, so Grawp is telling this story!
Ron: The author IS a troll, then!
Hermione heard the piano start up about 10 minuets, she opened the back doors, and walked down the asile, looking only at Ron, who only she could see.
Hermione: I must say, Ron, your blown up body looks very nice in a tux.
When it was time for the I do's, Hermione watch the ring being slid onto her ring.
Harry: You're made of rings, Hermione?
Ron: Are you made of gold?
Hermione: *sings* Trust the Midas touch!
Finally, she heard, "You may now kiss the bride," and felt his tender lips on hers.
She ran down the asile with Ron holding her just above the elbow. She turned with her back to crowd, and tossed her bouquet, and shouted "good luck, Gin". She felt the rice hittng her head, and laughed with all her might.
Hermione: Har har ruddy har.
Fred and George's POV
The doors at the back of the Curch and Hermione
Hermione: I have doors in my back?
Harry: Who's Curch? A distant cousin?
walked through looking beautiful, and straight ahead. Awhile later, she said "I do"
Ron: I thought the... wedding... was over with? Why would you say that again?
Hermione: You're asking me?
Ron: Well, yeah. You do know everything.
then they saw her giggle and look at the floor. She looked back up, but to no one. She leaned in to be kissed, and they wandered what would happen, would she fall, or would she just stop? They saw her hands work around the air. Would she ever wake up from this dilusion she was in? They watched as she ran down the asile, and throw her bouquet and shout "Good luck, Gin" over her shoulder. This brought tears to their eyes, knowing that Ginny Weasley would never be getting married.
Ron: What? What?!
Harry: Juuuuust don't question it. Hey, look! Voldemort! *steals some of Hermione's popcorn while she's distracted*
This was it, Hermione Granger was married.
Harry: ...or was she?
Ron: DUN DUN DUUUUUN.
She never thought it would happen, but it did. She was married to someone who hadn't even put a ring on her finger, hadn't kissed her, hadn't said "I do", hadn't told her he loved her, hadn't even lived to see their wedding, though she didn't know it.
Hermione: Well, Ron, you're just a royal prat all the way around, aren't you?
Ron: It's just because I'm DEAD.
Harry: Ugh. GUYS. That's the end!
All: ...for now.