Unaccustomed as I am to pubic spanking... (cool_rain_kiss) wrote in kr_sporks,
Unaccustomed as I am to pubic spanking...

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Sporking four, Part two: Kingdom Hearts

Part one can be found here.

Sporker: cool_rain_kiss
Title: Hi Roxas
Author: iheartnumberthirteen
Characters: Roxas, Emii/Emmi/Emmy, Mr. Axel, Mr. MacGyver, Mr. Demyx, and Miss DiZ (no you are NOT reading me wrong).
Other Annoying Traits: Everything. No, seriously. EVERYTHING.
Sporker's Comments: SHE HASN'T EVEN PLAYED THE GAME! I KID YOU NOT! She just thinks Roxas is hot! And... the netspeak! Oh, God, the netspeak! But. Fine. I'll say something nice. I'm trying here. ::twitches:: The paragraphing isn't bad. She knows, for the most part I believe, to start a new line when a new person speaks. But, that's the only redeeming quality. And it hurt me to give this fic a redeeming quality. Really. I think a piece of my soul died.

A/N: hay guys thanx 4 all te revues even if every1s being mean but ill post ths chappie anyway. oh btw their maybe some inapproproate content in this chatper so if u dont like that stuff u might want 2 skip.

Axel: "Hay guys thanks-ca four all teh rehvoos even if --
Kairi: AXEL! No! No more! *breaks down and weeps*
Sora: Err... *pats her back awkwardly*


Riku: That's one O!

after school demyx (A/N: u know, Roxa’s tudor from study hall)

Riku: No, we had no frickin' idea.
Sora: Because it's so canon, you know.
Kairi: Of course.
Axel: But if Demyx was your tutor...


Axel: Pfft. Women.

his cell phone he was really listening more than talking tho. “I kind of figured that from looking at him... Uh-huh...” suddenly he got really surprised “You want me to WHAT? That’s suicide, even if he is just—” then he stops “No... No, sir. I-I understand.” And he closed his cell phone and put it in his jeans pocket and started walking away, “Oh, man... I told him he was sending the wrong guy for this.”

Kairi: Not that that line's overused at all or anything.

(A/N: haha dun dun duuuuuuuuuun lol)

All: RIKU!
Riku: *shaken* I'm... I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. BUT IT LOOKED LIKE SO MUCH FUN.
Sora: We've gotta get him outta here.
Kairi: Yeah, the OOC's going to his head.


pretty soon Mr. Axel’s

Axel: Damn.

car drove up to his house witch was in Train Common and he got out with Roxas “Come on Roxas ive got a lot of tax forms for u to falsify” he said.

Kairi: And everyone's okay with this, huh?

But Roxas could tell he was lying because he could always tell stuff like that.

Riku: Because he's magical!
Sora: *sings* Do you believe in magic in a young girl's heart? How the music can heal ya whenever it starts? And it's magic! If the music is groovy, it makes you feel happy like an old time movie!
All: ...
Kairi: This 'fic is slowly but surely killing us.
Axel: Killing us softly?
Kairi: Yes.
Axel: Is it crawling in our skin?
Kairi: ...sure.
Axel: Will these wounds ever heal?
Kairi: Probably not.
Kairi: Errm... okay...?
Riku & Sora: He must be EMO!

BLAH BLAH BLAH. Oh my God, just BLAH.

“Their not all tax forms noodle” said Axel” some of them are difrential caclusus.”

Sora: Hubbah whatty whatty?
Riku: It's funny how you act like the author knows.

“Theres a difference?” said Roxas still mad.

Axel laughed “HAHAHAHAHAA, ur funny Roxas but u still have to do them. u work on those at the table, i have to go get changed” he said andwent upstairs. “oh and u can have some ice ceram wile u work if u want, it is in the freezer”

Kairi: Aww, ice cream. How nice! I can see this pairing working. With the ice cream and whatnot... *trails off and stares in a daze*
All: ...
Sora: Oh, God, no! It's gotten Kairi, too!
Axel: Wait... if it made Riku think the 'fic was funny, and made Sora start singing insanely, and made Kairi support a slash pairing, then...
Riku: Then that means...
Sora: You're next.
Axel: Shit!

Snipping, because really... do yall want to read all this? Seriously.

a few minuets later Axel came back down the stares, he was not wearing pink now but instead this really tight black leather shirt and pants and black boots with spikes on them

Axel: ...
Kairi: Oooh, Axel, that sounds hott! I bet Roxas is really turned on!
Axel: ...
Riku: You're... you're kidding, right, Kairi?
Kairi: No, silly baka! Axel is uber kawaii! He's my bishie-kun!
Axel: ...!!
Sora: My God, we've lost her! Kairi! If you see a long tunnel, STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!

, he still had his pink asscot

Riku: "He still had his pink ass caught..." Caught in what, Axel? Or on what, rather?
Axel: It's funny how you think I'm above murder when I'm really very, very not. *smiles warmly*

(sp?) though. “hello again noodle how do i look?”
“stupid” Roxas said without even looking

Sora: I believe I like this Roxas guy. He seems cool.
Riku: Lamest. Joke. Ever., Sora.

“hey, that is no way to talk to ur teacher” said Mr. Axel.

Kairi: Teacher, molester... same thing, really.
Sora: Feeling better?
Kairi: Yes. A little woozy, but I feel better. Err... what all did I say?
Sora: Well --
Riku: *gigantic smirk* You said you wanted to make out with Sora! In his bed!
Kairi: I did not! I... I do not! Nuh-uh!
Sora: RIKU! *keyblades* Wait... *turns to Kairi* ... do you?
Kairi: No, no, definitely not!
Axel & Riku: Denial.

“its a free contry” said Roxas he was still mad if u coudnlt tell lol.

Axel: Aha. Ha. Ha.

Axel disses George Dubya and then proceeds to drug Roxas via ice cream. Riiiight.

“he he he” said Mr Axel giggling his plan workedperfectly!!

Riku: He better hope Roxas is out if he's giggling his plan all over the place so that anybody can hear it...

He didn’t eat the icecream himself though cause hed put drugs on all of them.

Sora: *sings* You're a smart one, Mr. Axel, you really can't be for real! You're as straight as a country road, and only buttsex will ever heal, Mr. AAAAAAAAxel!
Axel: *summons Chakrams* Really. Do go on.

so he wnet into the livingr oom and put Roxas on the couch then he started taking off his lil noodle’s clothes.

Kairi: I'm too young for this! *covers eyes*
Riku: But, Kairi... you sat through Snakes on a Sora. *shivers involuntarily*
Kairi: *peeks through fingers* Allow me my small comforts.

When Roxs was naked he stood up and looked, god he was so cute and innocent lying their like that,
but not for long.

Sora: *mundanely* Dun... dun... duuuuun. And stuff. I guess.

Mr Axel went back to teh kitchen and got from the frige some whipped creme and some chocolate syrup and a jar of cherries,

Axel: This can't go anywhere good.

then he went back 2 roxas and started pouring thechocolate syrup on him, then when his little body was all covered in syrup he did the same thing with whipped cream, he felt himself getting really excidted cause he coudnlt wait to lick it all off!! then he put the finishing touches on putting cherries here and there on him like a sunday. but just as he was getting ready to lick it clean he heared a knock on the front door.

Axel: Sweet providence, yes! Maybe it's Gary!
Riku: Gary?
Sora: Who's Gary?
Axel: Gary's Death. Yeah, he doesn't like people knowing that, but I figure... what the hey! You know? I mean, I can understand his reasoning -- "Death" looks better on the business cards.

“who the fuck could that be” said Axel really annoyed “oh well i just wont answer it” he said and licked Roxas’s face a little,

Sora: I blame you for the headache Roxas is giving me right now, Axel. Just so you know.
Axel: What're you gonna do? Stick a Keyblade through me?
Sora: Oh, sweet temptations.

it tasted good like chocolate and whpped cream.
suddenly there was a voice from the front door “I know you’re in there! Open the door or I’ll... I’ll break it down!” Axel got really mad cause he didn’t want anybody interrupting his private time with Roxas “FINE” he said madly and he got up and went to the door and opened it a little, outside was that stupid new tutor guy Demyx. “wat do u want demyx I am a busy man” said Mr. Axel.

Axel: I'm a very important man. I've got a tower.
Riku: "I am a busy man... I have to go fellatio-up this underage kid if you don't mind."

Demyx jumped a little surprised, “I’ve come to pick up Roxas,” he said.
“roxas isn’t here” Axel lied a little nervouse because Demyx guessed. “he is still doing detention at the school.”
But Demyx shook his head “No, five other students told me he got in your car and you drove off with him for some kind of ... ‘special detention.’ Do I even want to know what that means?”

All: NO!

“its just like regular detention but harder,

Kairi: Since when is detention hard? Dispiriting, sure, but not hard.
Riku: How would you know, Kairi?
Kairi: Well, hey! You two were gone for a year, and I had to get my kicks somehow.
Sora: *blanches*
Kairi: I'm kidding, Sora.

and anyway u need to look for him at the school, those kids r a bunch of liers, their always not telling the truth!!”

Axel: Which... would... make them liars, yes.

After that Axel tryed to close the door but Demyx leaned ageinst it and started pushing it open. “Look, this is ridiculous, Axel,” he said as he pushed, “Just let me in so I can make sure he’s not here.” But Axel was stronger andhe closed the door on Demyx and lockedit. “there now to get back to work” said Axel turning around but when he turned around Demyx was showing up right behindhim!!
“HOW THE FUCK DID U GET IN MY HOUSE” said Axel really mad now

Riku: Oh, naughty, naughty. What's that all about?
Kairi: One of my diamonds just fell in the macaroni.

“It’s just teleporting,” said Demyx “You of all people should know that, really...”

Axel: My God, it's canon! Look!
All: *ogles*
Sora; It's so... shiny.

then he started wlaking toward the living room where Roxas was, Axel got really really really mad and he ran down the basement but Demyx didnt see him.
Demyx turns the corner into the livingroom and saw Roxas lying there all covered in chocolate and whipped cream and he was naked. “Holy—!!” shouts Demyx then he coverd Roxas up in a blanket real quick and turned round to find axel “You... you sick son of a—!”

Riku: Holy dash! You sick son of a dash! I'm going to kick your dash so hard that it sends you all the way to dash!
Axel: Please. Dash you.

he yelled but then he stopped, Axel was standing at the door with what lookes like a flame thrower in his hands and he turned it on full blast!!
Suddenly this big blue instrument (A/N: sry i forget what its called) appeard in Demyxs hands out of nowhere and he played some notes fast and this wall of water came up in fron t of him just in time to stop mr. Axel’s flame. He keeps playing to keep the water going but the flame thrower was lasting a long time. but Demyx was still kind of releeved becuase the flame thrower looked like it was the only weapons Axel had right now. still it was going to be hard cause the house was starting to catch fire!

Kairi: Damn, I hate when that happens!

Demyx got kind of desperate as the flames started creeping past his water wall, he couldnt fight and help Roxas at the same time so he tried something else he said to his sitar

Sora: Well, apparently, she remembers what it's called now!
Riku: Continuity for the LOSE.

“Dance, water, dance!” and tehse water clones that looked sorta like demyx only really not

Axel: Yeah, you know, I sorta like this fic only really not...

and musical notes came out of the water awll and started attacking Axel, he had to turn offthe flame thrower so he could hit them away but it didnt work, his hands just ent right thru the water!
“DEMYX U TEAM KILING WH000RJ” Axle yelled really loud while the water clones kept beating him up.

Sora: Shouldn't Demyx be screaming that? Really?
Kairi: Is that even English?
Axel: *sputters* The... the... the HELL?!

Demyx sighed relieved, hed been worried that this axel would be alot stronger. when the waterclones had beat up Axel so that he was out cold. Demyx went up to him and made sure then he took Roxas’s pants off the floor and picked up Roxas still drugged andwrapped in the blanket and he made a pool of black darkness and he dsappeared into it.

Kairi: To have his own naughty way with the dessert... I mean kid.
Sora: Kairi, you might as well be talking about me.
Riku: Don't worry, Sora. I'm sure she pictures you naked and covered in chocolate all the time.


“... about done?”

“Hard to s... think it’s about to... but the program’s still trying to instantiate objects from outside the Twilight Town classes. It boggles the mind...”

The voices came to Roxas through a thick haze, but it soon began to clear, and with bleary eyes he attempted to make sense of his surroundings. It was dark except for the glow of computer monitors scattered around the room, and the only sounds were a gentle electronic hum and two familiar voices.

“Oh! Check it out, he’s awake.” One of the two figures by the computer turned around and approached him. “How ya feeling, little guy?”

Roxas blinked heavily a few times, then recognized the scarred face before him. “N...number Two?”

Xigbar nodded. “That was a pretty close call you had. That ice cream addiction is gonna be the death of you one of these days.”

“What happened?” said Roxas, rubbing his eyes. His hand came away from his face covered in... shaving foam? He looked at it oddly. Why was he so tired? And why was he wearing nothing but a plaid blanket and a pair of pants?

“Well, near as we can figure...” Xigbar straightened up and gestured at the computer. “Somebody reactivated the Twilight Town simulation and somehow trapped you back inside. You’ve been missing for almost a month, you know.”

Axel: ...
Riku: ...
Sora: ...
Kairi: You guys?
Guys: ...
Kairi: ...guys?
Axel: *quite suddenly* WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?!
Kairi: Uh, Timon?

The second figure turned his chair halfway; it was Demyx, who for some reason appeared to have some whipped cream in his hair. “Yeah, but then whoever got it started up didn’t stick around to keep it going. Without any maintenance, the program just disintegrated. It needed some major debugging before we could even secure an entry point—just one runtime error after another. And don’t get me started on the spelling and grammar errors,” he added, turning back to the computer. “I don’t think they managed to spell ‘principal’ correctly even once.”

Sora: I... what's... what's happening, you guys?

Roxas experimentally licked the substance on his hand, and his eyes widened. “Is—is this whipped cream?” he exclaimed.

Xigbar laughed. “You’re lucky we found you when we did. If it hadn’t been for Nine’s quick action, well... let’s just say it’s thanks to him Axel isn’t a registered sex offender.”

Roxas blanched; suddenly the blanket and missing clothes made sense. Xigbar turned back to Demyx, who was typing something. “Think you can shut it down? I don’t want any repeats of this little escapade.”

Demyx cringed. “The runtime environment’s not like anything I’ve ever seen before. I haven’t been able to get it to abort, so I’m just trying to crash it now.”

“I ... didn’t know you could program a computer, Demyx,” said Roxas slowly.

Demyx scratched his head sheepishly. “Well, I was thinking about declaring a minor in CS once upon a time, but then, you know, the Heartless, and it was sort of moot after that...” The computer suddenly let out a high-pitched whine, and Demyx returned his attention to it. “Oh, good! Finally gave me a fatal exception. Never thought I’d be happy to see one of those.”

Riku: You guys? I'm scared. I've let darkness inhabit my very body and soul, and yet this... I'm scared.
Sora: I... I don't know what to say...
Kairi: WHY IS THIS ENTERTAINING AND GOOD ALL OF A SUDDEN! Oh, God, my sanity! *weeps some more*
Sora: It... it'll be all right, Kairi. Um. I think.

“But—what about Axel?” Roxas got unsteadily to his feet, the drugged popsicle still showing its effects. “If you crash the simulation while he’s in there—”

“Calm down, kiddo. That was a virtual Axel,” Xigbar explained. “The real one’s still back at the castle. We didn’t tell him where we were going, for obvious reasons.”

“By which he means Axel’s been unholy-pissed-off for the last month or so,” said Demyx with a shiver. “He’ll be happy to see you, though.”

“Well, happy as a Nobody gets,” Xigbar corrected.

Demyx typed a bit more, then turned his chair around again. “Hey, out of curiosity, Roxas, do you remember what all happened in that simulation over the last month?” he asked.

Roxas tensed.

“I mean, it might help us figure out who’s responsible—”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” said Roxas firmly.

“Hey, blue screen of death,” said Xigbar, pointing to the computer.

Axel: ...Gary?

Demyx swiveled back, then stood and stepped away from the machine. “Well, that’s all the more I can do. I don’t think that simulation is ever gonna compile again.”

“Can’t hurt to make sure, though.” Xigbar raised his right arm, and one of his guns appeared in his hand, pointed straight at the heart of the machine. By the time Roxas realized it was there, the Freeshooter had already fired, and the metal case burst apart in a flurry of sparks. The monitors’ glow died instantly, leaving the “EXIT” sign above the door as the room’s only lighting.

There was a soft whoosh as Xigbar’s weapon presumably disappeared; it was too dark to see yet. “Well, shall we go, then?” said his voice.

“Sooner the better,” said Roxas as Demyx guided him by the arm into the portal one of them had opened.

“By the way, Roxas, I still expect you to do that chapter eight homework,” Demyx joked.
Roxas kicked in the general direction of his shins, and Demyx’s yelp was the last sound in the basement of the Twilight Town mansion for quite some time.

All: *are flabbergasted*
Sora: What... what just happened?
Kairi: Has this ever happened before?
Riku: It... it turned into a goodfic. Right before our very eyes.
Sora: Is that legal?
All: ...
Axel: Well, I'm out.
Riku: But... we're facing a royal conundrum!
Sora: Yeah! This isn't supposed to happen!
Axel: *crosses to exit door* Kid, count your blessings. *opens door* Hey, Gary! What's up? Long time no se -- AAACK!
Kairi: Um...
Riku: This day can't get any weirder...
Sora: So, ice cream, everyone? My treat?
Kairi: Blegh. I don't think I can ever look at ice cream again.
Sora: Well, it's either that or finding ways of KILLING ME SOFTLY...
Cid: Getch out of this theater right now, y'hear?! Getch outta 'ere 'fore I throw ya out!
Kairi: You so don't have to tell us twice!
All: *flees*

Tags: kingdom hearts, spork
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Very wierd things happen...
A badfic that turned into a goodfic...very strange indeed....
Weeeeeell...as usual the sporking was fantastic and hilarious.
I'm not gonna' put my favorite parts because I would end up putting the whole fic xD.
Ahahaha, thank you again!